Sunday, May 15, 2011

May 15, 2011

Have you ever had the feeling that something in life is tugging at you in two different ways? Unfortunately for me, it feels like I’m being pulled three different directions. It absolutely sucks. I can’t find happiness until I turn to God. Pride has it that I would like to see for myself that happiness exists outside of God. Even if a little. But we all (Christians) know that that’s non-existent. Only a few things can keep me happy. For the most part it’s God and friends (figure out the others by yourself). This all hit me during the VBS meeting. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Disgusted.
Speaking of friends; I thought about something. In order to figure out who actually is close to you I’ve created an experiment. Of course, it is still premature to find an answer. And of course, the experiment has many flaws that I have yet to see. So, my experiment’s hypothesis is about who feels comfortable around you. There is an empty room and in that empty room are chairs that are divided in half of 25 chairs on both sides. If a person were to sit down how many would sit around them? Of course, there would be an “x” factor of who is popular to small things like who is more handsome/prettier. But if there was a close community (as in everybody knew each other that makes them more than “just acquaintances”) that would eliminate some bias thoughts and maybe create new ones. All in all, it makes chances a little bit fairer. I happened to be in the experiment (the people chosen did not know there was an experiment to begin with in order to have an honest result) and damn I was “it”. I know that there are many factors to include and has resulted in a premature result but I will study further.
I’ve been feeling pretty cocky about certain things (that I will not share to the general public). And because of it I’ve lost my sight. I’ve always thought, “Too easy,” and look where that got me into. A rut six feet under. “Bad habits die hard,” so they say. I just want to DGAF about life and stay focused on the things that really matter. This world has too many distractions. Too many times have I become cocky about the stupidest things. Too many times have I craned my neck for something. I need to blend in and not try to show off or brag. More or less be the vinegar in the cup of water. Blend in well but when they find me, be a punch in the face, so to speak.
On the bright side. God is good and He knows that I can handle things. Talking with a friend ( :/ ) is always good. Smile it out, I guess. I got a haircut on Saturday. I like it. Nice and short.
VG Mood: Damnation (Check it out if you want to understand. I did not choose this video game for it’s title. I chose this game because of a deeper meaning.)
Deeper meaning: I wonder: from a different person’s point of view, what’s so good about me? What makes them want to talk to me? What so they see in me? Sometimes, I’m afraid of the answers that I’ll receive. Other times, I’m indifferent.
I’m thinking about not blogging anymore. As tacky as this sounds; I should just keep a diary instead. I honestly think that blogging the things that I ponder and feel down about hurts the people around me (if they are reading this) rather than them getting to know me better. If they are getting to know me better, they probably see me as a depressing person (which I think so too, since I’ve had many negative feelings bottled up inside, hence my pessimism). If I ever do come around to blog again, I shall talk about good things. So I guess this is good bye for now.

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