Saturday, May 14, 2011

May 14, 2011

Hmmm. I haven’t felt so much joy in days. Haven’t laugh so much in months. I’ve been blown like a leaf in a storm. God is so good. But being human it’s inevitable that we must still have doubt and emotional and mental burdens. God I am human and I want some things of this earth. But I believe You have made a way.
Lately, the things on my mind were/are pretty depressing. Friend wanting to visit but is now not sure he/she wants to because of “high school” (how sad that college men and women still act this way) drama. Wanting to relive my past in order to fix all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Wanting someone to accept me as I am. But then I realized, nothing good really comes out of thinking about the past and regretting all the things that I’ve done. I’m not saying I stopped thinking about it since it’s hard to break a habit. But I should learn and think about the future. Sometimes I feel… alone. In the dark. Last night was kind of a perfect example. I’m pretty much a loner. I don’t instigate any hang-outs unless if I talk to a friend. I’m a personal-type of a guy. I guess, maybe too personal. Couped up in my house and typing these lame blogs. To some of my friends, it’s hard to be open with them. I would if it wasn’t so awkward. LOL. And I do try. Just that it tends to be that I don’t receive much but I spill my guts. Betrayed by my emotions. Will I always be this sensitive guy? I honestly wish I wasn’t but I can’t be stoic about everything. The two or three people I trust the most are usually too busy or the time difference is too great to have a nice chat. Apparently and unfortunately, I scare away all the ladies (since I can connect with them better than I can with guys) that I have feelings for, so there never is really much of a friendship. Fortunately, however, two of the three I do trust are female. Without them, I would have one friend. I’m such a loner. I’m sure there are those who think: “What about me? You don’t trust me and I’ve been your friend for years?” Well, news flash. You never share with me you deepest-darkest secrets with me willingly so how CAN I trust you? All in all, I should be DGAF about women for a long while. Make friends and learn how to party since my definition about a party is pretty lame compared to all the stories I hear from other people. So, here’s my rant (I guess) about my inner turmoil. P.S. Don’t piss me off or else you’ll receive a part of the turmoil. LOL. P.S.S I don’t really like blogging but how else would people know about a loner like me? LOL. It’s not like my friends talk to me randomly. And if they do it’s kind of like once in a lifetime.
If God blessed you with something, how would He bless you? Let’s say, for an example, He gave me a woman to think about. Did He bless me to fall in love? Or is this just my own fantasy that I’ve created on my own? If He did bless me, then would I have to make a move towards the blessing in order to receive? Or does He give in full? I’ve always thought that God give us a partial blessing and tests (couldn’t think of a better word) us to reach that blessing or to achieve that blessing. Either to show that we are capable that we can handle it or something. But now, I just don’t know anymore. I want to believe He gave in full because of Jesus. But in the back of my mind it seems to easy. Wouldn’t life be easier? Then what about free will that God has given us? Does that matter in a blessing? I mean, we (the people) bless each other all the time. From a sneeze to a prayer. Is there a difference in blessings that God gives (most likely)?

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