May 28, 2011

Everything that has happened in my life, has happened for a reason. I believe that very much. Do I understand the reasoning? Most of the time; not really but some I do. I’m just glad that God didn’t bless me during my latest crush. Everyday, I realize more and more that she was definitely NOT that one for me. Now and then, I saw how her life has progressed and all I saw were the negative things. A bad influence. I remember the day I deemed her a “legit” person. Now, I take it all back. I’m currently trying to DGAF about women. Don’t get me wrong, lady friends are great. Just as long as I try not to pursue anything deeper than that. Unfortunately, every time I think about a “legit” person, one person stands out the most. In my mind, I still believe. In the other person’s, not so much. I regret but I guess I have to keep on trucking. I still think about that day that will probably never come true. But anything is possible through God (and as long as it’s not for self-glory). I should stop trying to make things happen with my own strength but instead learn to have faith and trust in God. Just like the sick woman in Mark 5.

On the bright side, I’ve been excited for the littlest and simplest of things lately. I guess it’s all because of God that I’ve been so energetic. Who knows? I’m excited to work soon. I’m excited to start or try to make music projects with Bryan Kang. I’m excited for VBS. I’m excited that I am finally learning to let go. God is good. God is so good.

P.S.
If I were allowed to wish for one thing in the world, whether or not if the wish is selfish, it would be that one person to truly (emotionally, physically, mentally) love someone with God’s approval and with our focus on God.

P.S.S.
I actually wrote this on a notebook since I didn’t have my laptop at the time. I didn’t want to forget about this. THANKS FOR READING!

May 20, 2011

Hello, whoever reads this.

Job training was awesome. The only problem was that I had too much carbs for lunch and Ara (leading engineer) was pretty boring near the end of the presentation. Job training was from 9am-5pm. Had to get up and at 6am and meet my boss at 7:15am. Solar panels are pretty interesting. Although, I’m not too sure about electric engineering part. Bus? Breakers? Overload? Load? Ampage? Wattage? DWP regulations? Fire safety regulations? (I know the answers to half of these listed.) All in all, this job is going to be crazy and awesome. In a few months, I going to have to create and train a team capable enough (with high expectations) to install and know everything they need to know about solar panels. Yay me for team manager! I’m pretty pumped. Met with a couple engineers and a few expert marketing and finance people. Also expecting to trap into a few jobs from the $8,000,000 worth of jobs. Crazy! Well, I have to get up early for another job training session tomorrow. 9am-3pm. After tomorrow, I’ve got another Friday and another Saturday next week! Busy weekend. :)

May 15, 2011

Have you ever had the feeling that something in life is tugging at you in two different ways? Unfortunately for me, it feels like I’m being pulled three different directions. It absolutely sucks. I can’t find happiness until I turn to God. Pride has it that I would like to see for myself that happiness exists outside of God. Even if a little. But we all (Christians) know that that’s non-existent. Only a few things can keep me happy. For the most part it’s God and friends (figure out the others by yourself). This all hit me during the VBS meeting. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Disgusted.

Speaking of friends; I thought about something. In order to figure out who actually is close to you I’ve created an experiment. Of course, it is still premature to find an answer. And of course, the experiment has many flaws that I have yet to see. So, my experiment’s hypothesis is about who feels comfortable around you. There is an empty room and in that empty room are chairs that are divided in half of 25 chairs on both sides. If a person were to sit down how many would sit around them? Of course, there would be an “x” factor of who is popular to small things like who is more handsome/prettier. But if there was a close community (as in everybody knew each other that makes them more than “just acquaintances”) that would eliminate some bias thoughts and maybe create new ones. All in all, it makes chances a little bit fairer. I happened to be in the experiment (the people chosen did not know there was an experiment to begin with in order to have an honest result) and damn I was “it”. I know that there are many factors to include and has resulted in a premature result but I will study further.

I’ve been feeling pretty cocky about certain things (that I will not share to the general public). And because of it I’ve lost my sight. I’ve always thought, “Too easy,” and look where that got me into. A rut six feet under. “Bad habits die hard,” so they say. I just want to DGAF about life and stay focused on the things that really matter. This world has too many distractions. Too many times have I become cocky about the stupidest things. Too many times have I craned my neck for something. I need to blend in and not try to show off or brag. More or less be the vinegar in the cup of water. Blend in well but when they find me, be a punch in the face, so to speak.

On the bright side. God is good and He knows that I can handle things. Talking with a friend ( :/ ) is always good. Smile it out, I guess. I got a haircut on Saturday. I like it. Nice and short.

VG Mood: Damnation (Check it out if you want to understand. I did not choose this video game for it’s title. I chose this game because of a deeper meaning.)

Deeper meaning: I wonder: from a different person’s point of view, what’s so good about me? What makes them want to talk to me? What so they see in me? Sometimes, I’m afraid of the answers that I’ll receive. Other times, I’m indifferent.

I’m thinking about not blogging anymore. As tacky as this sounds; I should just keep a diary instead. I honestly think that blogging the things that I ponder and feel down about hurts the people around me (if they are reading this) rather than them getting to know me better. If they are getting to know me better, they probably see me as a depressing person (which I think so too, since I’ve had many negative feelings bottled up inside, hence my pessimism). If I ever do come around to blog again, I shall talk about good things. So I guess this is good bye for now.

May 14, 2011

Hmmm. I haven’t felt so much joy in days. Haven’t laugh so much in months. I’ve been blown like a leaf in a storm. God is so good. But being human it’s inevitable that we must still have doubt and emotional and mental burdens. God I am human and I want some things of this earth. But I believe You have made a way.

Lately, the things on my mind were/are pretty depressing. Friend wanting to visit but is now not sure he/she wants to because of “high school” (how sad that college men and women still act this way) drama. Wanting to relive my past in order to fix all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Wanting someone to accept me as I am. But then I realized, nothing good really comes out of thinking about the past and regretting all the things that I’ve done. I’m not saying I stopped thinking about it since it’s hard to break a habit. But I should learn and think about the future. Sometimes I feel… alone. In the dark. Last night was kind of a perfect example. I’m pretty much a loner. I don’t instigate any hang-outs unless if I talk to a friend. I’m a personal-type of a guy. I guess, maybe too personal. Couped up in my house and typing these lame blogs. To some of my friends, it’s hard to be open with them. I would if it wasn’t so awkward. LOL. And I do try. Just that it tends to be that I don’t receive much but I spill my guts. Betrayed by my emotions. Will I always be this sensitive guy? I honestly wish I wasn’t but I can’t be stoic about everything. The two or three people I trust the most are usually too busy or the time difference is too great to have a nice chat. Apparently and unfortunately, I scare away all the ladies (since I can connect with them better than I can with guys) that I have feelings for, so there never is really much of a friendship. Fortunately, however, two of the three I do trust are female. Without them, I would have one friend. I’m such a loner. I’m sure there are those who think: “What about me? You don’t trust me and I’ve been your friend for years?” Well, news flash. You never share with me you deepest-darkest secrets with me willingly so how CAN I trust you? All in all, I should be DGAF about women for a long while. Make friends and learn how to party since my definition about a party is pretty lame compared to all the stories I hear from other people. So, here’s my rant (I guess) about my inner turmoil. P.S. Don’t piss me off or else you’ll receive a part of the turmoil. LOL. P.S.S I don’t really like blogging but how else would people know about a loner like me? LOL. It’s not like my friends talk to me randomly. And if they do it’s kind of like once in a lifetime.

QUESTION:
If God blessed you with something, how would He bless you? Let’s say, for an example, He gave me a woman to think about. Did He bless me to fall in love? Or is this just my own fantasy that I’ve created on my own? If He did bless me, then would I have to make a move towards the blessing in order to receive? Or does He give in full? I’ve always thought that God give us a partial blessing and tests (couldn’t think of a better word) us to reach that blessing or to achieve that blessing. Either to show that we are capable that we can handle it or something. But now, I just don’t know anymore. I want to believe He gave in full because of Jesus. But in the back of my mind it seems to easy. Wouldn’t life be easier? Then what about free will that God has given us? Does that matter in a blessing? I mean, we (the people) bless each other all the time. From a sneeze to a prayer. Is there a difference in blessings that God gives (most likely)?

May 9, 2011

Some people love to keep tabs on all the good things that has happened in their life. Something like scrap booking. I don’t have a scrap book. What I do have is a memory album. A photo album that holds onto all the things that I hold dear. Cards, love notes, pictures, business cards, and etc… Every time I look through it, I get nostalgia and… I don’t know what word fits that doesn’t have a negative connotation; emotional. I have things from past retreats. I have things from my ex-girlfriends. I have things that reminds me of the great times with my friends. I wish to keep making more memories with others that come and go in my life. And in doing so create bigger memory albums.

May 8, 2011

Mother's day. Love you mom!
Today was sooo good. I love you, Lord. And nothing will change that. Church was great! Played drums and all. Dang, I'm no DKang; pretty rusty. But I felt so encouraged when Bryan and DK told me that I did well. Truly I thank you, to the both of you. Even though church was great, I still felt a bit of a tension in the air. I don't know what it was but I definitely felt awkward. I think it's from the lack of laughter from Bryan and DK. Lol. Your laughs mean much to the community!
Going to pick up Kristina was frikin hectic. Lol! Since when was the UCLA campus so confusing? After I picked up Tina we left for Unique LA. The convention was great! A lot of designers' clothing. Some cheap and others frikin expensive! Tina got to try on some of the clothes and asked me for advice. My advice is that blue of any shade fits you best. But when does blue never fit an Asian? Lol! My only regret is that I didn't have a camera. Damn.
On a side note. I don't know what to say. Lol. I think I'm in love. Great joke, huh? But all I can do and will do is to encourage the one I love until she is ready to accept me as I am. I am no more than a friend, which I really don't mind. I just wish that we could be a little bit more intimate. Enough to be able to vent to each other and be there to listen to each other's problems. Baby steps. I don't care if she never likes me back. I just care about being comfortable with each other.
Lately, I've been listening to Hillsong United and their songs got me to thinking. We need to sing more energetic songs. Songs about God's/Jesus' triumph. We need more happy and less sad.

May 7, 2011

This morning I thought about some things. I realized I’ve been having bad luck in a certain thing. But I guess it’s because I’ve realized that nothing has been going my way recently. Learned new knowledge about something and to me it’s bad news. But I’ve got to be humble and encourage! And with God on my side, we will create our own luck! HAH! On the way back from praise practice, my iPod started playing One Thing by Hillsong United. Such a good song. But the chorus made me think about something. “Lord, Your name is higher than the heavens. Lord, Your name is higher than all created things. Higher than hope, higher than dreams.” We as humans want to achieve our dream goals. But most of us never really reach that goal. And since God’s name is higher than dreams then how can we reach Him if we can’t even touch our dreams? I know I’m taking this literally but this is something to think about. This reminds me how He’s so dang far away from us but at the same time He’s not that far. Is God something to reach and grasp at? Or is He something that is inherited? Man, sometimes I think about these things and feel so loved by God. Crazy. Makes me feel emotional. Lol.

On another note. Is love something achieved? Or is it something that is given? Freely? Or forcefully? Patiently? Or with a certain time limit as if it were a ticking time bomb that if you don’t make a move it just ends up blowing up in your face? Love is such a valuable thing. So fragile but once obtained so strong. As if it were multiple threads of a spider web. Or a string. After time it starts to wear then tear. And becomes fragile again. If you can’t tell by now, I’m a pretty sensitive guy. But as I grow, I learn things about trust. To trust becomes an ability not to worry about the other so often. To trust becomes an ability to respect the other. To trust becomes an ability to look and see what’s on the inside of the other’s heart. Hahahaha. I preach to often about this. How ironic how I preach this but all that happens is my partner loses faith in me and leaves. Sometimes I become so convicted on my word: “I will not break up with my girlfriend no matter what. So long as there is some alternate compromise.” Some people say that I’m being genuinely sweet, those whom I thank for the encouragement. However others think I’m being a complete idiot for making an immature promise. I thank you people for worrying about me but this is my decision. This morning, I thought about the longest period of time I’ve ever liked someone. I think it was 3-5 months before I moved on. This time I intend to break that record and stay true even if she doesn’t feel the same. I don’t care since apart from God she’s all I have to strive for. In VG terms. She’s the ultimate unlock-able item. Bad analogy in many ways, I know. But that’s how much she means to me even just as friends. I respect her. I pray that she understands that. “I’m willing to wait for you for 5 days or 5 years.” I know men are men and they don’t have the gall to wait for that long. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I intend to make it possible! So God bless me with You strength of mind and heart that I will not drift into temptation but rather into purity. In Jesus’ name I dearly pray. Amen.